Are you under a Dating Law?

Note: This is the first of four posts of a series i’m entitling “Dating Law vs. Dating Gospel”. Looking at dating through the lense of law and gospel has freed me from the crushing weight I put on myself and those I pursue in relationship, and I hope it will do the same for you.
Have you ever been golfing? It’s difficult. it’s expensive. And yet every weekend, the courses are full of men and women in goofy outfits having minor Turette’s episodes regarding the number FOUR. Similarly, every weekend you’ll find restaurants and movie theatres full of men and women wearing their best outfits and trying to disguise who they really are. Now, pepper some American evangelical nonsense into all that, and it’s enough to turn anybody into one frustrated curmudgeon. I know because I have experienced this first-hand over the last ten years, with little fruit to show for my hard work.

Dating culture in the modern church seems to be lost in-between two worlds: that of the biblical Christianity that we try to take seriously, and that of the secular world which has an invisible grasp on our decisions, standards, and practices. Most of us desire to live lives of holiness (especially when it comes to dating), and so when considering who to date, we have things like purity, trust, and service in mind. What we don't often realize is the world around us is subtly feeding us ideas about what we should look for in a potential mate. These would include social status, income, how they make us "feel", and most importantly, sex appeal. Now these things aren't inherently bad (for example, no one wants to date someone they are not attracted to), but they do need to be assessed biblically in order for them to contribute positively to a healthy dating relationship.

American evangelicalism has "Christianized" this second list, taking all that we want in a boyfriend/girlfriend and justifying it spiritually. For example, "income" becomes "can he provide for me?", "How they make me feel" becomes "Do they speak my love language?" and sex appeal becomes "will she protect me from lust"*. For example, I think somewhere in the mid-90's, many Christian girls I knew were being told that they were princesses; they were "daughters of the King". This led to the only logical conclusion that if they were princesses, then they must be waiting for a prince. This set an incredibly high standard for the average Christian guy, one that many, if not all, felt they could not meet. The qualifications necessary to date a Christian girl became so ridiculous that Jesus himself could've walked into the room and five of the girls would have said, "I don't like beards"**.

So what was the solution?

Easy.

1) learn to play the acoustic guitar,
2) lead a small group
3) start working out at The Lord's Gym.

I did all of these things fairly early on in my Christian life, thinking that if I could just get these things down, maybe I could snag a nice church girl of my own. When it came to actually taking her on a date, it all had to be perfect. The date had to be elegant, not too cheap, creative, and fun. It had to be approved by your pastor, her parents, your small group, and her BFF's. Everything had to be perfect.

Do you see what we have done? We have created a set rules and standards that nobody in the world could possibly keep. We have created a Dating Law.

We have, in effect, created our own Mosaic Law when it comes to dating. In biblical terms, the Law is a list of 613 rules and practices that God gave to His people through Moses in order that they might thrive in relationship with Him and with each other. It provided a diagnosis of their spiritual and relational condition, but It was never supposed to the cure. A law can never solve a problem, it can only point it out. So, do you have a "Ten Commandments of dating"? I did, and I have only began to see that I thought God did not trust me with any kind of romantic relationship unless there were strict guidelines, which brings me back to my original observation:

We have merged Biblical Law with modern dating, and the outcome is a lot of broken hearts.

You see, the Law works on an "if/then" principle. If you obey these commands, then God will bless you. Dating has subsequently taken on these same parameters; "If" you meet my requirements, "then" I will give you my attention and affection. But does anyone want that? Don't we all feel a little despondent, just wanting to find love without all the stupid rules? Is there a better way?

Well if there is a spiritual answer for those who can't keep the Law, then there must be a relational answer for the same. But that’s for next week...

*I am not saying a woman is responsible for a man’s lust (which she is not), I am just pointing out what happens when we justify worldly ideas with “spiritual” answers.
**This isn’t to say that guys haven't set an incredibly high standard as well, but that doesn’t really flow with the joke.

Grief and the Gospel

Evil.

What a complex word. I am at odds with myself on how to describe how I am feeling right now; writing, deleting, rewriting to try and express what is welling up in me right now.

 I do know one thing though; evil showed up this morning. It showed up in a classroom in Newtown, CT, it showed up on the front page of my newsfeed as tears streamed down my face, and it showed up in the heart of a young man who, for reasons unbeknownst to us, decided he needed to take the lives of nearly 30 people today, mostly young children.

Now I know that many you experienced the same thing: brokenness, tears, unquenchable grief, and a sense of lostness and confusion rarely felt. As I scrolled through the story this morning, stopping every few lines to weep, I realized something; Everything I am feeling is a gift. It is no accident that I am feeling unbelievably crushed, even for a group of people I have never met, for it pulls me out of my self-centered world and forces me to deal with ultimate reality. Many people will baulk in coming days, "I can't believe in God when there is evil like this in the world", and yet it is precisely because of this kind of evil that I have to believe in God. The only explanation for the weight I feel over this story, the utter sadness that sweeps over me, is that I am made in the image of a God who weeps, a God who feels, and a God who is by no means a stranger to grief. We can point fingers and make deriding comments towards a deity we may or may not believe in, but the fact is, deep down, there is a well of emotion that no scientist or philosopher can explain. As tragedy and horror strikes, we drink deep of the well of God's emotions, just as he weeps and mourns along with us.

God is not immune. Not only does He grieve with us, he has suffered for us. God is intimately familiar with the lost of a child, just as many parents in Newtown are experiencing today. God lost a Son, not in the chaos of gunfire, but in the horror of Roman execution. The shooting today only brought hurt and mourning, but the crucifixion brought peace to all. God wept so that we could not weep hopelessly. Jesus suffered so that we do not suffer in vain.

God may not explain evil, but he experienced it, and He holds out the hope that one day, He will destroy everything that sets itself up against his heart, and when that day comes, evil will be only a distant and fading memory.

Blue Like Jazz, The Gospel, and Heart-softening Stories

Yesterday I went and saw the motion picture rendition of Donald Miller's spiritual autobiography Blue Like Jazz. Needless to say, I had been anticipating this for some time now. Blue Like Jazz was the first spiritual book, besides the Bible I had ever read, and it quickly became my favorite read for a number of years. Now while Don, Ben and Steve Taylor did a tremendous job at creating a compelling story out of a set of memoirs on Christian faith, which I heartily encourage everyone to go and see, this is going to be less of a movie review and more of a reflection on how to share God's story in a post-Christian world.

The film has been critisized by some, including a few of my friends for "not having a clear Gospel message", to which I replied, "Maybe, but that was not its job; that's your job."

You see, we always want to outsource evangelism to something or someone other than ourselves. Now, whether that be a movie, Christian television, or God forbid, a brochure featuring cartoons of people burning in hell, we secretly hope that these things will do the hard work of gospel proclamation for us The problem is, these things cannot and will not talk back. They can't ask questions, can't know what someone needs to hear, and they certainly can't offer up prayer. With all the good things movies like Blue Like Jazz can do, they can never replace a real person in sharing God's story with those who don't know it.

Blue Like Jazz did magnificently at answering common objections to Christian faith, and I think that is, in some sense, what it was meant to do. My hope is that Christians see that, and when they invite their friends to see it with them, they would use Don's story to share God's story as well.

Find Blue Like Jazz at a theater near you.
www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com

Afraid of grace.

I was going to see Explosions In The Sky tonight.

God had other plans.

The band had to cancel due to adverse weather conditions coming down I-5. Benjamin and I were sorely disappointed, defeated even. So obviously the only things to comfort us were coffee and wings. As we chatted over a few capps from The Hub and some wings from Slice, I shared about a situation in my life where God had begun to bless me, and could continue to bless my socks off in the future, and I begun to confess that I was scared about this. I was scared of being a disappointment, scared of not living up to the moment, scared of not being good enough. My wise and faithful brother then pointed out, "Jordan, you're scared of God's grace." He continued, "You feel that it's safer to not believe that God wants to bless you because then you can be in control."

That wrecked me.

It wrecked me because I know the Gospel, and that is most certainly NOT the Gospel. There was a schism between what I knew and what I actually believed. Does this happen to you? I think it happens to everybody. We are all unbelievers in some aspect. Our Christian vernacular makes this dichotomy between "believers" and "unbelievers", like there is ANYBODY out there who believes completely and perfectly all that the Scriptures say to us. We all have areas of our life where the good news of Jesus has not touched, areas we hide from God's grace. I say, "ok God, you can have all theses things, just don't touch this. Move along God, nothing to see here...

Here is where I am an unbeliever. I don't believe God really wants to bless me. I actually believe that God is impressed with my suffering and misery, and that somehow my ability to take a punch makes me more holy in His sight.

Isn't that a bunch of hogwash? It sounds ridiculous when you actually say it out loud, but that is how I think ALL THE TIME. Many of us can see the dangers of so-called "prosperity theology", where as one pastor put it, "God is like a piñata, and faith is like a stick, and if you whack Him hard enough, money, candy, and a Bentley with rims will magically fall out." Every discerning Christian can see how absurd that is, and yet no one ever talks about the other side of the pendulum. There is another end of the spectrum, where if you are poor, suffering and sick, then God will really be impressed with you and might let you into heaven. Here's the problem; our right standing before God has nothing to do with us. For those that believe in Jesus, God only sees Him. You take on the very quality that Jesus has, and because of the cross, all that Jesus is before the Father is imputed to you. You are as secure as Jesus is.

Wait.

Stop.

That can't be true, can it? It can't be that good. It just can't.

And there is my unbelief. I am an unbeliever. I want to shirk off God's grace because I don't think He is that good, and I don't want to be disappointed in the end. What I have done is because I don't believe in grace, I become the disappointment that I so fear. I always will. I can never achieve what I want. I can never accomplish what I really want to happen, and because I cannot do it, I think it can't be done (or more specifically, I must not deserve it).

This is where the Gospel comes in.

Benjamin sat across from me, picking meat off of a gnarly chicken wing, and he begins to gospel me. What I mean is that he begins to shine light on the dark areas of my unbelieving heart. He begins to tell me, "Of course you can't make things happen, YOU'RE NOT GOD. God is way better than you Jordan. You make a terrible God, so let Jesus do His job, and you do yours. I ask him, "and what is my Job"? "Receive", he said, "Just receive." He continues, "You are afraid to receive Jordan. You're scared because receiving puts you in the passenger seat, and you want to be the driver. The problem is, you're a terrible driver. You're blind, with no arms and one leg. Now tell me, do you want someone like that driving?" He was right. I am afraid of receiving God's grace. I can't imagine it being as good as it is, so I ignore it and try to do it myself. I suppose that is the difference between my religious, unbelieving heart, and God's gospel heart. My heart says "DO". the Gospel says "DONE". My heart says "try harder". God's heart says "receive".

I am not writing this because I have this all worked out or I have fixed this problem. I am still afraid of grace. But somehow, I am beginning to see that there is grace for that too.

A Parable of Emergence.

A man goes out to fix his car.

In his frustration he takes out the engine, transmission, and brakes because the engine requires fuel, the transmission is complicated and the brakes are a pain in the butt to fix. Then he giddily puts the keys in the ignition and turns them to find he no longer has a car, but a very nice portable movie theater...

Books that shaped my 2011.

Ok, It's that time of year. The time when lists of every kind and sort show up on anonymous blogs everywhere. So as I seem to be in the spirit today, I'll share with you some books that churned my heart, invigorated my mind, and fed my soul in 2011. So here they are, in no particular order. I hope you enjoy.

The Call by Os Guinness



I was assigned this book to read for a spiritual formation class, and from the look of it, was not excited. But I was really floored from the introduction on by Os Guinness' ability to weave art, literature, history and the humanities into gripping illustrations of spiritual longing and transformation. The book is written from a Biblical worldview, but is quite accessible to anyone yearning for a deeper meaning in life without having to default to fluffy New-Age Oprahism. What was particularly helpful were the chapters on calling as a way of life, not just a vocation. He successfully crushes the idea of "ministry" that is only available in the full-time vocational places like the pastorate or missionary work. I would highly recommend this to any person who wants to target what the call of their life is in respond to the calling of Jesus Christ.

A Meal With Jesus by Tim Chester



Tim Chester lays out here a biblical theology of meals and hospitality here with wisdom and insight, showing that a seemingly mundane event can reveal to us God's grace, draw us into God's community, and send us out on God's mission. I was deeply moved multiple times while reading of how "The Son of Man came eating and drinking..." and how Jesus used meal to bring healing and to point the a bigger reality in which we will all someday eat a meal with God in His kingdom. He brings you from Genesis to Revelation, pulling the thread of meals through the entirety of Scripture, and showing us how to eat to God's glory.

Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl by N.D. Wilson



An intellectually and spiritually rousing collection of prose, opening us up to the wonder of the world we live in, all spoken by an infinitely powerful but intrinsically available God. If you feel like so much of the literature on apologetics is dry, wooden and unengaging, I would suggest you pick up a copy of this book. He opens up the blinds and shows you a beautiful, but badly broken world. A world that never stops moving, a world that is more alive than we ever imagined, and behind this beautiful world is a beautiful Poet, a magnificent Artist who is just waiting for his masterpiece to see Him and rejoice with Him in all that he has done.

King's Cross by Tim Keller



You can never go wrong with a book by Tim Keller. He is my favorite author, and I never get sick of reading him tell a story and weave the Gospel beautifully through it. King's Cross is no different, and I would argue might be Keller at his best. He goes through the Gospel of Mark, showing that the story of the whole world --- all of our goals, our stories, our desires are seen most clearly in the life of Jesus. In every story Keller pulls through the storyline of the Bible, centers it on Jesus, and invites us to take part in the story that shapes all of history. Please don't pass this book up. I promise you won't be disappointed.

The Hidden Life of Prayer by David M'Intyre



An old classic, reprinted for a new generation to glean from; few things in the world of publishing are better. That is what we find in David M'Intyre's little treatise on prayer. the good minister focuses in on one verse, where Jesus tells his disciples that "But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you", and spends 120 pages bringing that into the ordinary Christians life. I personally was captured up by M'Intyre's vision of communion with the Lord, and it has profoundly shaped my private prayer life.

The Same Kind Of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore



This may have been the most powerful book of the year for me. The story is told from two different angles: one man, a powerful and successful art dealer, and the other man, a sharecropper's son, in all accounts, a modern-day slave. Each chapter is told by one of these men, recalling the sometimes unbelievable details of their lives, and showing the power of the Gospel to change men of every sort. I rarely cry while reading, but this book had me broken in several place, and rejoicing over grace in others. I had a tough time putting it down at many times, and would gladly pass it on to you.

When People Are Big And God is Small by Edward Welch



Some books are for the mind, like "Notes...", some are for the hear like "Same Kind..." and some are for you soul. Ed Welch's book on the fear of man is definitely one of those books. Dr. Welch, speaking from his own experiences, scholarly expertise and years of counseling brings us before God's gracious presence to show us what fear does to a soul, what we do to enable others to control us, and what God has done in Jesus to free us from that. He builds a stunning case from Scripture about how to understand the fear of man, and how to graciously come under the fear of God. I would commend this book to anyone who feels that they cower under the demands of others and how the Gospel can address a heart broken by fear and co-dependancy.

So, those are the books that have shaped my life, heart and thinking this year, and I hope they can be helpful to you as well.

The Last Words of a King.

Near the end of J.R.R. Tolkien's magnum opus series "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King", Aragorn, the wandering ranger and true king of Gondor gives a rousing last call to fight hard and die well. He is preparing his army, which is being surrounded by an army of 10,000 orcs, to fight with everything they have until the very end, and he is willing to die on the battlefield with his men, like a true king. He yells, triumphantly,

"Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!"

We, who likewise belong to a kingdom, have all heard the same call from our King: The last words that have driven His people forward for almost 2000 years.

“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

This time of year we remember how our King stepped of His throne, out of His castle and entered our pitiful village. He called men to follow him, and then led the charge against our enemies of Satan, sin, death and hell, dying on the battlefield of Golgotha, winning the fight we could not win, by giving up the life we should've given. Like a true king, he dies on the battlefield. But death couldn't hold our King. He rose to take His throne, and rule his people righteously. And as this Kingdom rule is revealed, the King declares that it must be heralded. Good news must be told of this victorious King and his Kingdom of Grace.

But I was thinking as I watched Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas and others tear through a wall of orcs, what would have happened if Aragorn's speech had fallen on deaf ears? As they were surrounded by swarms of enemies, would they just collapse under pressure? Aragorn knew that the only way out of hell, was through it. So, what would've happened if Jesus' disciples left the mission of the Gospel behind? The most important and life-altering event in history would've passed unnoticed. We would sit, two millennia removed, knowing nothing of the salvation and kingship of Jesus Christ, and we would remain lost, wandering in a foreign and oppressive kingdom with no knowledge of the rescuing King and his Kingdom of Grace.

Don't go AWOL, move forward with the command of our good King. Tell of His great battle with death, his victory over sin, and His gracious reign and rule over all of life. Herald Him as the Great King he is, and bring His kingdom into view in all of life.